The Old Woman!

I thought waiting and watching was better than interfering.

The belief that your good deeds would back you up was far stronger than the urge to protect you.

Your happiness was important but not as much as your dignity.

You were of a different breed, I knew this right from your first cry.

That the stars and the moon were your companions was a comfort.

That the universe was watching over you was a solace.

But all this turned into carelessness slowly seeping into the never ending abyss of ungratefulness.

I lost you to the mysteries of nature while getting caught up in the ways of the world.

The thought of seeking you crossed my mind but it disappeared as quick as it had appeared.

I knew I had lost a rare gift but I failed to understand the rarity of it.

Today when I look back, I know that the right choices were always there.

For me to acknowledge, accept and instill in my life.

But I chose to go blind with desire, greed and selfishness.

After eons of stagnancy, now I know that I was at fault.

And today I choose to be your mother again.

To guide, protect and love you like you always deserved.

To marvel in your wonder and learn to be strong like you expected me to be.

I cannot be what I could have been anymore but I can be better than what I was.

So next time you look up at the sky, know that I am watching you.

When you see a bird chirping around, know that I sing for you.

When you feel the breeze nudge you, that I am there to hug you.

And when you are lonely, just breathe.

Every breath deeper than before till you feel me flowing through you again.

Stories are meant to be lived. Not always told.

Chameli the movie stuck a strange chord in my heart today. I wonder why I like such movies. Weird stories that are built on emotions that are way beyond humane. How many such stories have I lived myself?

A walk down a mountain towards a lonely beach with nothing but the setting sun watching over me, a night under the starlit sky, a day amid a frenzied atmosphere. Promises made, promises kept. Every such story was short yet amazing. Not that I wanted any of them to be longer. All of them were  just about perfect.

This movie reminded me of a time when I loved and was loved back. When I was on the streets with a stranger. Both of us stranded and lonely. With no other company and a whole night ahead. So we decided to keep each other's company. There were stories to be told and listened to. And we did. We spoke a lot about everything except each other's lives. Between words our silence kept us company. The mysterious smell of the night beckoned us to go on and speak our hearts out till the first ray of light hit the horizon.

This was the night when there was no romance but love. A love that connects us with the universe. A love that is not bound by the physical and emotional realms. A love that flows freely in the light of understanding. A love that is born out of words and culminates into silence. This was the love we lived for a night. We knew ,come dawn, we will have to return to each other's lives. But tonight was a gift. One where the choice to be anything was ours. Lovers, friends or any other relationship with a name. But we chose to be each other's nameless companions.

Companions who enriched each other's souls and parted ways never to meet again.

On itchy feet and derailed lungs!

Breathtaking.

For any travel junkie, this word is a cliché but one which never fails to pop up when they are out there somewhere, lost yet ridiculously happy.  So has been the case with me but only after the trip took my breath away literally.

I was an asthma patient as a child and the disease left its traces in the name of wheezing in the adult me. I was this nerd for whom the word ‘travel’ existed only in books till a college friend dragged me for a monsoon trek close by.  As expected, the first 45 minutes up the mountain were the worst moments of my life.  I got a wheezing attack and I was gasping for my breath. But luckily, I was with a group of complete strangers who did not know me and nor did they know that the breathlessness was a condition.

One of them suggested that I keep my mouth shut no matter what and try to breathe with my nose. The other asked me to bear the uneasiness for the next 40 minutes and keep climbing without waiting for anyone. Even today after 7 years, I do not know why I followed those suggestions so meticulously. But I am grateful that I did because after the said 40 minutes of continuous climbing, when I looked back at the darkish white clouds looming just a few steps beside me, I gasped. That was the first ever wondrous moment of my life. I was alone staring at the scenery ahead with my lungs hogging on the fresh air.

From that moment on I got into trekking like it was nobody’s business. Happily lived under the blanket of illusion that I crave only for the mountains and nothing else. That’s when the next attack of the ‘breathtaking’ moment happened. This time on an all girls trip to Darjeeling & Gangtok in December 2012. I had never been up north of India untill then. So I had no clue about the extreme low temperatures especially during winters.

The cold had started affecting me right from the moment we entered Darjeeling. The breathlessness only got worse in late evenings. But there is no joy greater than exploring a new place on our own. We ticked off all the places we wanted to see in Darjeeling and Gangtok with only Nathu La pass, the star of our trip to be explored on the last day of our trip.

Now, the journey towards Nathu La was a real challenge. Bad roads and the quick elevation from 5000ft to 14000ft in 3 hours is a bad idea. My condition had worsened so much so that my shameless friends had to check if I was alive by moving their fingers below my nose.  When we reached Nathu La, the interaction with the guy at the canteen to that grueling climb of only 90 steps to the border was all it took me to realize that I am not just cut out for the mountains but outdoors in general.

The guy at the canteen was an army man. I was so pissed at falling sick at such a beautiful place that the first thing I asked this guy was, ‘aapko kyun nahi hota ye sab jo mujhe ho raha hai?’ He just laughed and said,’Tum pehle chai piyo, mein batata hun.’  He explained that one needs to get acclimatized to stay comfortably at such high altitudes and that feeling giddy and going breathless is normal. Then he noticed the ‘wheeeez’ sound of my breathing and said, ’tum yahan se apne aap akele hi baki ki sidhiyaan chado.Bas apne aap pe bharosa rakho aur nazaaron ko dekho, aur yaad rakho ki tumhe kuch nahi hone wala hai. Yahan tak aa gayi ho toh aur thodi durr sahi. Wapas aate waqt yaha phir hote hue jana.’

I believed him. I started climbing one step at a time. No amount of trekking had prepared me for this. It was my lungs I was struggling against and not my heart.  At the border we took pictures, laughed at the chinki soldiers, spoke to the other army officials. While descending, I started ahead of my friends slowly so that they don’t have to wait for me. I went to that army guy again and thanked him for the encouragement. On this, all he said was, ‘Bas chaah honi chahiye, kahin bhi jaa sakogi.’

I did not realise the importance of that statement then but after that trip, all my treks and trips have happened just because of that intention. I have worked on my wheezing just so I could take in more on my subsequent trips. Madhya Pradesh, Delhi, Kullu, Manali, Sarpass, Konkan (the entire stretch in 4 days) and around 52 treks in Maharashtra with not a hint of unease and still counting.

To stretch the so called short story a little longer, for me more than ticking the places off my bucket list, vagabonding is more about seeking wisdom and finding it in some of the most unexpected places. It’s about growing to be one with nature and staying there for a very long time to come.

March 2nd,2014-Places

The Prompt:
Places
Beach, mountain, forest, or somewhere else entirely?

A never-ending stretch of black over vast expanses of gold below the blanket of rich blue with scattered speckles of white . The lonely road ran into eternity cutting across the thick grasslands made of dry grass and weed. The sun was at its glory making every blade of grass glow spectacularly. But the subtle wind kept the heat from taking its toll over the two bodies that were riding on a red monster.

They were a spectacle. Dressed in black from head to toe including the riding gears and the helmet. Had an angel been watching them from the sky, they would have appeared like a steadily moving black bug over a golden canvas. They were riding since morning and she was the bedazzled pillion. Every part of her body was screaming with fatigue but the simplicity of her surrounding baffled her. Even though the view hadn’t changed much in the last few hours she was just amazed that an empty road in the middle of nowhere could bring her such joy.

The smell of weed hit her when she opened her visor. The urge to get  off the bike was overwhelming. She asked her rider to give her a few minutes. The moment her feet  touched the road, she collapsed on the grass beside. Her rider was of course surprised at her behaviour but for her this was bliss. She took off the helmet and stared straight up at the pristine blue sky. Was this some different shade of blue or is it that she noticed the sky for the first time? The wind carried the smell of wilderness blowing softly over her stretched out body. The grass beneath was pricky yet soothing. The small shrub adjacent to her was ugly in some dull shade of green. She felt her fatigue being absorbed by the earth slowly with tiny shivers tingling her extremities.  Aah, she could lie there forever.

That feeling of belonging on some roadside in a faraway land is what you experience in any place that’s yours. Mine is the mountain. What’s yours? 

March 1st, 2014 – Back to the future

The prompt:
March 1 :Back to the future
A service has been invented through which you can send messages to people in the future. To whom would you send something, and what would you write?

I would like to write a letter to my child just to give them a sneak peek into their mother’s life before she found their father.

Here goes:

Ahoy my darling! How are you doing? How are things around you? Colourful, cheerful, funny or an environment so disciplined that you just want to put together a small backpack and run away to that la-la land you have always dreamed of? However it is, here’s something to let you know that your mamma has always been the crazy kinds and that if you have learned to break into a laugh at the silliest of things, know that  she considers it as a blessing. 

You know, today, when I write to you, I am all ambitious and full of dreams.I am 27 and am working as a copywriter who is struggling with her language skills. I have big travel plans and yet no resources to materialise them. I have a long list of things to do in the next few hours and an even longer list to do in the years to come and I have no clue what am I going to really do in the next hour! Yes, your mamma sucks at planning and following schedules. But you know, despite all these, I know that I want to have you in my life someday. I have always wanted you. I have no clue when, how and where but you have been a part of my life plan since I discovered that like every other girl I can be a mother too.

I haven’t found your father yet. But I know that he will find me soon.I am waiting for him too like I am eagerly waiting for you. As on today, as and when I decide to have you, I aspire to give you a wonderful life, a life filled with play, laughter, and ,of course, a lot of drama. A dog,too, maybe. If you have a dog in your life right now, know that its the best living being you can have in your life. Treasure it for you will find it difficult to have a best friend as good as your pet.

I don’t know your age right now but no matter how old you are, know that laughter is the best virtue you can cultivate in yourself. When I was a child, your grandmother always used to insist ,’Laugh and the world will laugh with you, Cry and you cry alone.’. She drilled this into me till laughing became second nature to me. I love to find humour in every aspect of life. It is strangely uplifting and inspiring too. And I sincerely hope you find this virtue priceless too.

Here are a few things you should do irrespective of whether your mother is a tyrant  or a wannabe super-mom:
1) Learn to love the outdoors, play. Play as much as you can 
2) Read. Read stories of every kind. Build that la-la land if you haven’t already and slip into it whenever you think that the world of adults is too overbearing.
3) Talk. Talk to your pet, parents, grandparents, friends, the lady at the cash counter in a shopping mall, that old man at the railway station who waves at you everyday. Strike conversations. Be a good listener and don’t hesitate to express what you think. Be polite but say what you got to say.
4) Be humble and grateful for everything. You are a very special person and that is because god thought you were worthy. Stay true to your worth. Thank him every single day of your life for watching over you and loving you unconditionally.
5) Love with all your heart. You will find that the definition of love is constantly changing. Don’t shy away from it just because you don’t understand it. Wait till is shows itself to you in its purest form.
6) Be crazy and follow your heart. There will be times when you would want to do something that no one around you approves of. Do it anyway. Remember, it’s your life. You are responsible for all your actions. If whatever you do works for you, well and good, if not then learn and move on to the next thing. 
I have done all the things that I ask you to do and these are the thing which have always kept me grounded.  I hope I keep following these things till I meet you and later.
That’s all for now. Hope you have a wonderful life. 

Love,
Mommy

Love is underrated

The master said, "And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course. "

The bell rang and the it was time to go home. The master asked the class to disperse and think about the poetry of Khalil Gibran he had been reading to the students. The entire poem was well received but the last line was stuck in the boy's head.

He wondered what is this kind of love the master was reading about. Is it the same love that his classmates keep yapping about that you feel when you like a certain girl or is it the kind of love that he feels for the dog that he plays along on his way home everyday?

He had been wondering about this for some time now. He didn't understand this concept of love. He knew he loved his parents but he never knew how to feel it. He just knew it as something which they said to each other and him.  Something that just existed without ever introducing itself as something profound. Then why is it always spoken about? Like why was it necessary to say,'I love you'. Why was it such a necessity to find a girlfriend or a boyfriend and use the word a thousand times a day?

What if love was what he felt for that dog every time it came running for him the moment walked out of the college gates? What if it was what he felt for this old granny in his building who always greeted him with a 'Beta' after his name? What if it was that feeling which comes after a brutally honest conversation with  a friend? What if love it was what he felt for his master who was always gentle and kind to him yet reprimanding when he deviated from his goals?

There must be definitely more to this word than just the man-woman thing and the one you feel for your family. "Well if that is so" he prayed, " May love find me worthy and direct my course as it will."

You are just somebody that I used to know!

Many conversations. One drink. Silence forever.

If nothing ever changed, there would be no butterflies!

She was staring at the empty beach more out of fatigue than the expected awe. She had heard a lot about this place from her friends and it was her dream to come here and stay for a day. She hated beaches in general but this one in particular had pulled her right from the moment she had heard about it.Now here she was and all she felt was the tiredness and pain due to the long bike ride.

There were a million things going on in her head. Is it a good idea to stay here today? If we do, tomorrow we will have to cover a distance of 500 kms in one day, which would be a crazy one. Its the 31st of December, a day she had decided to make memorable and now suddenly she was concerned only about getting back home. Is this why they came all the way riding to see the year whiz past them? Besides how could she ruin his time by thinking only about herself?

She looked at him, he was walking quietly besides her. The beach was empty with not a human around except the two of them. She looked around, it was sunny, secluded and her gut told her that there was more to this place than what she was seeing right now. They kept walking till they reached the coconut tree groves. She went on till she found a nice tree and just collapsed below it. The canopy of the coconut tree leaves, the filtered sunlight, the silence and the pleasant sound of the waves were soothing.

He came around, sat beside her and asked her,"What have you decided?" She was just drinking in the beauty of this place and trying to think. That mind which was full of turmoil a few minutes ago had now gone into a slumber. She asked herself,'What is it that you want to do? Remember you had decided to follow your inner child when you started on this trip'

That did the trick. She could almost hear her heart screaming,'Chuck everything and stay here tonight. Tomorrow is not just another day but another year. We will tackle it tomorrow. This year deserves an awesome goodbye. Explore this beautiful place, watch the sunset, go into the water till your fear permits, write on the sand and build castles of beautiful memories. I promise you, you won't regret a thing!'

This brought a smile on her face. She looked at him and said,'Lets stay here tonight.'

This decision of hers not just gave her one of the most beautiful memories but also made her realise that when you follow the voice of your inner child, you can never go wrong.The next day was crazy of course but she also knew that she had extended her limit of being a pillion way beyond her capacity and how!

So when in doubt, don't forget to just calm yourself and try to hear what your heart, your inner child has got to say.